Five biggest issues that sabotage the family caregiver

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The family caregiver has a very important role be it taking care of children, elderly parents, or any relative. It’s often easy to discuss how they receive little appreciate for the tasks they do and emphasize self-care, which are important topics to cover. It is far more challenging to discus some of the challenges that come with being the caregiver and the struggles that many face.  

Finding ways to take care of yourself is absolutely important, but it is often necessary to understand what it is that leaves you feeling so burnt out all the time. Especially when you’re taking care of someone you love and it truly can be such a fulfilling experience in so many ways, that it is hard to see where the challenges may be coming from.  

Paula Spencer Scott has identified a few common issues in an article she wrote for caring.com.

Sore point #1: Lack of privacy

Everyone in a caregiving family needs privacy -- the freedom to exist in their own space.

Having physical privacy means having boundaries that let everyone in the house get away from 24/7 interactions. It's especially challenging in small living spaces or when the live-in elder has dementia. The disinhibition (loss of social appropriateness) that can be part of a dementia like Alzheimer's can lead a loved one to barge into bedrooms and bathrooms, for example.

Having mental privacy means being able to continue some version of long-established family time and traditions. While it's important to weave a live-in guest into family life, this needs to be balanced against the risk of alienating kids and spouses who may miss old routines or come to feel ignored.

Lack of privacy: Solutions

• Make necessary home improvements to allow the live-in elder to have his or her own space, not just for sleeping but also for living: a TV set and comfortable chair, a desk, opportunities to get out of the house. 
• Establish household rules everyone agrees on for the use of the TV, the kitchen, and other possible points of conflict. Keep in mind, though, that in the case of dementia, rules become less realistic as the disease progresses.
• Remain conscious of maintaining one-on-one time with other family members. Your live-in elder doesn't always have to come first with you; use respite care or other relatives to supplement care.
• Don't put vacations, school or sports events, or other previous family activities on indefinite hold.
• Use locks and a low-key response to help manage disinhibition; explain it to kids so they're not frightened.

Sore point #2: Ignoring sleep deprivation

Sleep problems are often dismissed by caregivers for two common, misguided reasons, says geriatric psychiatrist Ken Robbins. First, they assume that poor sleep is part of aging or of dementia, and that nothing can be done about it. Second, they fear that addressing sleep problems is "selfish," only for their benefit.

In fact, resolving runaway sleep problems helps everyone. The elder whose sleep issues are addressed will experience better mood, more energy, and less pain; sleep is closely connected with all three conditions. And the caregiver who makes his or her own sleep a priority will be better able to cope with caregiving stresses and will have more energy for every part of life.

Ignoring sleep deprivation: Solutions

• First make sure your loved one's basic "sleep hygiene" is in order: No stimulating beverages or activity late in the day. A quiet, dark room. Proper clothing for sleep (elders sometimes nod off in their day clothes). No TV or electronics used in the bedroom at night. Use of a proper, comfortable bed, not a lounge chair. (An elder may "turn in" but never actually get in bed.)
• Next, make sure your own sleep habits are similarly healthy. That 5 p.m. coffee crutch or after-dinner drink…not a good idea.
• If you've done everything you can to create a healthy sleep environment, discuss sleep issues with your loved one's doctor. A mixed-up sleep-wake cycle is not a normal part of aging. It is a feature of dementia (because brain changes can mess up circadian rhythms), but it can often be remedied by a good household routine and by addressing the person's fears to reduce anxiety. 

Sore point #3: Lone-soldier syndrome

Caregivers too often fall into "lone-soldier" mode thinking without even realizing it. Feeling responsible for a loved one, they assume the full burden, marching forward without regard to their own emotional needs. Eventual result: one badly wounded soldier who's not much good to anyone.

In reality, it takes a whole army to manage caregiving effectively. Failing to have emotional outlets where you can vent and "be yourself," and failing to let others share the practical burdens, results in a surefire recipe for falling down -- or giving up.