Caring for Aging Parents

Bookmark Article

Sharon just arrived home from a busy day at work. Her life has change dramatically since her mother, Anne, moved in with her six months ago. Sharon has had a hard time dealing with her mother's recent mood swings—one day she is fine, and the next she is irritable. Anne has also begun to tell Sharon how she should raise the children. Sharon has taken on many care-giving activities, such as driving her mother to the doctor, and managing her finances. Sharon loves her mother, but has had a hard time adjusting to the live-in situation, and the increased responsibility she's assumed.

Anne has been by herself all day. She feels extremely lonely and especially misses her husband who died last year. She also longs for the independence she had when she lived in her own home. Sharon seems to think she can't do a thing for herself. Anne feels useless being cared for by Sharon and the kids. Anne has noticed that Sharon seems preoccupied and irritable lately. Maybe Sharon does not want her in her home any longer.

In today's society, the scenario of Sharon and Anne is occurring on a more frequent basis. Advancements in medical technology and health care have greatly increased human longevity. This means that more and more middle-aged adults are caring for their aging parents. The form of care that adult children provide for their parents varies according to need and circumstance: parents may move in with their children; parents may live by themselves, but require ongoing assistance from their children, or parents may live in homes for the aged and still need a certain degree of help from family.

This reversal in the parenting role often gives rise to intense emotions and stress among both the aging parents and the adult children, which can severely impact their quality of life. This situation can be eased by being aware of emotions and expectations, and by considering all of the possible support available within the family and the community.

Understanding the Loss

Aging parents often feel intense loss when confronted with the many changes that they experience during this stage of life. At the same time, they have expectations regarding the type of help they would like from their children.

Aging parents may experience feelings of despair, sadness and anger. For example, Anne is feeling intense loneliness due to the loss of her husband. Furthermore, her self-esteem and sense of independence may be threatened as she realizes that she now needs help with day-to-day activities such as shopping or getting to a doctor's appointment. These feelings and experiences have overwhelmed Anne. At the same time, her family members may not understand why grandma or mom is behaving in such a different way. Being aware of many life changes that the elderly face, will help care-givers to understand changes in behavior.

Another way to help in the caring process involves identifying the parents' expectations of the care they would like from their children.

The adult children must make their parents aware of the type of care they can provide for them. On the one hand, aging parents may have a definite set of expectations in relation to the degree of care that they would like from their children. In the case of Anne and Sharon, Anne may wish to remain independent and continue to care for herself. For example, she may be able to help out in some small way by folding the laundry or doing the dishes.

To clarify these expectations, some of the questions that the adult child can discuss with his or her parents are as follows:

• Does the parent want to live with a child or alone?

• Does the parent want to continue doing day-to-day activities or does the parent want the child to assist with these activities?

• Does the parent think he or she can manage alone when she or he cannot?

Identify Your Expectations

Adult children also have a set of expectations related to their role as care-givers. Some of the questions adult children should consider, are as follows:

• Can the aging parent live with the child or would a home for the aged be more appropriate?
• Does the child have sufficient financial resources?
• How much time can be devoted to the care-giving role?

The process of clarifying expectations can help to alleviate some of the frustrations that often arise in the care-giving situation. Specifically, if the expectations between a parent and adult child vastly differ, then much discussion and compromise must take place to decrease the potential for disappointment and anger that may be experienced by both parent and child.

Finding Help in the Community

An awareness of community supports and resources will also aid in the caring process. Resources within the community can provide the care-giver and parent with a wide range of information and assistance. Some of this information can be found by looking under the social services department in the phone book, in the municipal, city or local government section. This department can provide a wide range of resources such as day programs for seniors, and Meals on Wheels. The Meals on Wheels services delivers nourishing meals to the elderly in their homes.